What to Say When a Friend Shares Their Pain of Loss (using Non-violent Communication)
“Not by changing or fixing their feelings, but by simply being present with them and accepting their experience as it is.”
None of us are strangers to loss, in my humble opinion. It might be an experience that can take time to heal. Although we wish it weren’t so, there are times when we confront the deep reality of separation, moments when we realize that we might not have the opportunity to reconnect with our loved ones in this lifetime again.
But now, what if you are not the one directly experiencing the pain? What if it’s a close friend who comes to you in need, expressing feeling of hopelessness, saying: “Without him / her, I have lost all my purpose in life, and I do not want to move on”. In this moment, we are faced with a vital question:
How can we truly support and understand? What can we do to connect without unintentionally adding to the pain?
In the Basics of Non-violent Communication (NVC), it is said that:
Underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and acknowledging and understanding these needs can create a shared basis for connection, cooperation, and more globally – peace.
So now, following Non-violent Communication, our mission is to acknowledge and understand the needs under “Without him / her, I have lost all my purpose in life, and I do not want to go on”.
1. To ACKNOWLEDGE, firstly, and perhaps most powerful, be with them.
Sit down with them, not necessarily to give advice, but to let them know they are not alone. You do not need to say anything right away, sometimes, quiet companionship speaks louder than words.
This willingness to be present—without rushing to comfort or fix things—can be an anchor for them in the storm of grief.
“I am sitting here with you”.
2. To ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS, simply repeat what they have said
In Non-violent Communication, we learn that grief is not something to fix or smooth over.
It is something to feel and process.
“I hear that you are feeling a deep sense of loss, and it is painful to think of life without them”
Moreover, in Non-violent Communication, the goal is not to minimize the pain, but to be a companion to it.
“Your emotions are real, they are allowed, and I see you in this.”
In this moment, I recognize that it is easy to say: “Don’t be sad, you will be okay soon”. I understand that this comes from a place of good intentions and care.
In Non-violent Communication, we learn that it can unintentionally dismiss their feelings. It might imply that their feelings are unwarranted, not allowed “Don’t be sad”, and they should move on before they are ready “you will be okay soon”.
3. To UNDERSTAND the needs, explore with them
Loss often brings up complex emotions, from sorrow and loneliness to regret and anger.
Non-violent Communication invites us to connect with the underlying needs that these feelings represent. We might gently encourage them to explore what they are missing:
“I hear that you are grieving their presence, and also the love and support they offered you, their love and support are really important to you, are they?”
Exploring the Wheel of Needs, I consider some needs that might emerge include:
The Need of Presence: When someone experiences a significant loss, they may feel a deep sense of emptiness. It’s not just about physical presence but also emotional availability.
The Need of Support: Grief can be an isolating experience. When a person loses someone who was their anchor during challenging times, the feeling of support may diminish significantly. They may long for the reassurance that comes from having someone by their side.
Last time, my friend asked me if I could make a framed picture to honor a lost loved one - a tangible reminder of their shared memories. I really love the idea.
By addressing needs such as Presence and Support, we can create an idea to hold their grief, allow them to feel understood and to honor the depth of their emotions.
Non-violent Communication also teaches us to help people reconnect with their authentic needs.
For someone in grief, we can hear from them “I’ve lost my purpose.”
But, by exploring this, we can help them see that underneath this feeling, there may be a need for connection, support, presence, remembrance,... Instead of diving into despair, they might find small steps to honor these needs without feeling they must immediately “move on.”
If someone feels isolated after a loss, they might truly need connection—a call, a visit, a moment to share stories about their loved one. If they’re missing the companionship of shared routines, they might find comfort in creating new ways to honor those memories, like a framed picture or a meaningful ritual.
When we engage with someone’s grief through the lens of Non-violent Communication, we focus on supporting them by being present, recognizing their feelings, and gently helping them identify what they truly need.
This article is part of the 30-day writing challenge by Writing On The Net.
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